i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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