I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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