Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
