I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Mom said you looked used
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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