Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
