and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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