Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
