Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
