i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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