I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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