I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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