I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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