I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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