At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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