My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
