We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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