Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
