Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
