and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My ass is underappreciated
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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