No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
