Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
