Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
