I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
