We're like a lot better than the average bears
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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