i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
