I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
