i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
