I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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