I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
