I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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