A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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