I just saw a hot homeless man
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
