my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
how does that bad decision feel?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
