what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
