I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
