I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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