Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
