Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
