I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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