Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
