I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
