You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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