My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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