Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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