i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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