She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
