He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
