Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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