i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
