friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
