my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
