2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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