Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
